Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Life beyond fiber..

Well, this post is for a friend of mine (probably the only one who reads this blog!) who complains that I don't post anything about what I'm thinking, just stuff about knitting and sewing. So, here you are. An actual post about something beyond fiber.

I suppose what's been on my mind most recently is all the crap surrounding Robert. I go up and down depending on which, which MOMENT I am asked about it, and lately it's been down-ish. I supposed I'm still just processing everything, everything that was said and not said, and to whom. In one of the eMails, it's written that Robert doesn't love me and never did. Several times he mentions that he is married "only to his country" (angsty poetic crap, I know), but a refusal to acknowledge a marriage to a person still hurts. Since I no longer trust what he tells me (or ever told me, unless it was negative), I have a hard time believing that he does or did in fact love me. I don't know if I've adopted this belief as a coping mechanism, or what the truth actually was. Part of me is starting to settle on the idea that he didn't love me because he doesn't know what love is...which seems awfully plausible. It's hard for me to imagine that a person can love someone and still hurt them so completely without a second thought about it. Also on my brain's internal track is "Why?" whywhywhywhywhywhywhy....why this? why me? why now? why was I led to believe a lie?

There is an upside to all of this. Even with all that negative crap swirling around in my head, a small part of me feels refreshed and free. All that energy that was spent worrying about Robert, making sure I had time to connect with him (let's ignore the fact he didn't give a crap whether or not he connected with me...he said and wrote on more than one occaison that he wished I would go away and leave him alone...), making this marriage my number one priority (I know--it wasn't his!)....all that energy is FREE! And it wants to create. And work on my wants to be and do and grow. And when it shows up, I'm really trying to make sure I hang on to it and make it last. Here's hoping it comes more often and stays longer!

And, by the way, in case anyone's asking, the skirt has been a hit! I've gotten lots of compliments on it. :)

What, you didn't think I could resist not mentioning fabric at all, did you?

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